Joan Rivers recalls once throwing a party to which she had invited, among the usual glitterati, a policeman who she says, "had been so nice to me and my family." She recalls that C.Z. was the only one of her guests who took the time to really sit and speak to him. Ms. Rivers says, "...C.Z. was not a snob. She was not aware, nor did she care, if she was talking to the President or the chauffeur's wife."
Restraint, in relation to elegance is sometimes refraining from doing things that are easy, and sometimes taking right action though doing so is hard. Our grandparents called it having character. It seems to me that restraint contributes to elegance precisely because it is something that popular culture rarely aspires to. And, I suppose, because restraint generally requires a lot of self-discipline.
How often do we see a person in the spotlight who is also discreet? Or a woman who could easily afford a Bentley (and someone to drive it for her) but runs around town in a Prius, because she doesn't care what kind of car she drives and believes that sustainable energy is important to the future of mankind? Or a billionaire hedge-fund manager who lobbies to pay his fair share of taxes? Do you know anyone who knows celebrities and does not drop names?
I had occasion to make a deal recently with a southern gentleman. We agreed, we shook hands, and it was done. I was mystified by his generosity. Though I was a complete stranger, and he had no particular reason to help me, he was the very definition of kindness. When I commented on this to another gentleman standing nearby, he said, "Yes, that is true. But woe be to whomever should cross him, because he also has a backbone." Elegant.
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27 comments:
I am so happy to read this follow up to your first elegance post. I have given the first feature a lot of thought. I work hard at being a better person every day...listening, asking questions of the person I'm speaking with, and being considerate. I consider these things to be essential to leading a happy life. I am inspired by people such as C.Z. Guest and consider them role models. In a world that seems to be comfortable at times with crude behavior, I refuse to through in the towel and/or join in that behavior. It's helpful to read pieces like this, a reinforcement of doing the right thing. Thank you, Nina.
Karen
Hi Karen, Such a great comment. I work at it too, and I do agree with you that awareness is where it begins. Refining one's life is a process and we can all become better, and live more beautiful, more thoughtful, more intelligent lives. Of late, I have been thinking quite a lot about slowing down, aligning my values with my actions more precisely. Refining, streamlining, paring down to what is most important to me right now. In the end, what we have is not so much the number of years we lived, but how well, how elegantly, kindly, gracefully we lived those years we were given. xo, NG
Such a wonderful post. When I was young I once made a disparaging comment about a street sweeper ( honestly we had them 36 odd years ago) my father stopped the car, read me the riot act, and made me walk home. Not long after we were at at Lord K…'s house for a party and he had invited his gardener and family which I thought odd, he too was one of the few who spent time with them, I learned a huge lesson that year about people.
My apology to Teresa of Splendid Sass! (www.splendidsass.blogspot.com) I have a new phone and have not quite figured out how to use it, so inadvertently deleted her comment before posting it. Here it is....
Beautiful post!
Circumstances and wealth do nothing to make a person better, just appears to make their life easier. I have known many miserable wealthy people. I have also been around those that have the opinion that they are better than many. It is not pretty or respectable. It tells a lot about a person. I have also had the pleasure of know those that are wealthy and powerful, and you would never know it by appearance. I learned many valuable lessons during my banking and finance career, and was always shocked to learn who had money and who didn't. I was taught that I am no better or worse than anyone. I am so happy I was taught that lesson, because it has made my life much happier.
Teresa
xoxo
Posted by Teresa at Splendid Sass to Jennings & Gates: Notes from a Virginia Country House™ at November 5, 2013 at 1:07 PM
Oh my gosh, I'm sure there were times my parents wanted to absolutely throttle me. It is a testament to their patience that they allowed me to reach adulthood. How interesting, and I love that you remember that. We must have had a similar upbringing, because when I think back, my parents neither talked down to anyone or up to anyone. Every person, regardless of their station was treated with proper manners, sincere interest, a certain formality and reserve I suppose, but also a kind of plain, directness that made conversations easy. Your Lord K seems to have embodied that authenticity which is so essential to elegance. It does not seem as if his politeness was applied or superficial. Thank you for writing such a great comment. xo, NG
Hi, I so agree with you, Phyllis. Plus, it seems like an awful waste of energy. :) xo, NG
Hi Nina...playing catch up and so enjoying your posts on elegance. I smiled as I read for my mother-in-law is one of those charming, gracious and lovely ladies who chats with everyone. I love that about her. At the same time, you would not want to mess with her either..she is as clever as they come, one of her trademarks. I think Chanel was right when she said that "elegance is when the inside is as beautiful as the outside". xx
Just wanted to thank you for the information on the floors! I've heard that white/pickled floors show scratches very easily so this is a method that retains the darker wood color but achieves a nice time-worn look.
Oh great! I am so glad you found something useful there. I am looking forward to seeing what you come up with. xo, NG
What a beautiful Blog you have and what a lovely post! It brought me back to a more elegant time when everyone knew at least two or three ladies he/she would instantly think of as charming. You might enjoy a post I did recently on the subject of charm. "The Charm Offensive" http://thefrenchtouch-m-t.blogspot.com/2013/10/a-charm-offensive.html
Cheers, M-T
Hi, I am so glad you came by! Just read that post, and you are right, I did enjoy it. Lolol, and as a Coke shareholder, Merci as well! :) Seriously though, you made some great points and I have been having fun reading through your blog. xo, NG
Hi Jeanne, so good to hear from you. I like that quote, and I agree with you. Inner grace cannot help but to influence what is on the outside. I think one can be chic and not quite authentic, but elegance is a whole other category isn't it? Speaking of which, I am so enjoying your blog! xoxo, NG
A Coke shareholder? How serendipitous! I may have to rethink my drinking habits. I'll definitely be stopping by again.
Cheers, M-T
I think your southern gentleman is perhaps a dying breed…but I hope not. The art of not dropping names is an elegant one indeed, and something which I wish more people would practise. A truly elegant person (and yes, I agree, that includes somebody who has time for anybody, no matter their station in life) is often quite an inspiring one - the kind of person who makes one a little kinder, a little more elegant oneself, simply for spending time with them.
Have bought every CZGuest garden book I've found thru the decades.
....elegance.......character.........backbone
Love a good trinity.
Was recently at a client's party. You know I was the 'gardener'. Another guest managed to ignore a rather famous painter, horse trainer, professional photographer and me ! The scope of disdain was impressive. Felt like I was taking part in an episode of Downton.
Did not hurt my ego in the least. Instead I felt more blessed, because I was not 'that' person.
Garden & Be Well, XO Tara
another beautiful post, long on insight.
debra
What a wonderful post.
Though the magic of the ether in the last 72 hours I have found and cellularly enjoyed your light-filled blog.
I read somewhere that Edith Wharton said, "There are two ways of spreading light, to be the candle or to be the mirror that reflects it." What YOU have created here does both.
Thank you.
Wow, thank you. You made my day! That is such a nice thing to say. Have a great weekend, xo, NG
Hi, Thanks Mary Ann, that is really good to hear! And just popping over to Classic Casual Home! xo, NG
Debra, you are always so kind. I've been thinking about this stuff a lot lately. The Matthew Mays book had such an interesting way of looking at things- of course I had to apply all of that to lifestyle :) xo, NG
Good heavens, a famous gardener, a horse trainer, a famous painter and a professional photographer all in one room- my dream dinner party! I would have lured you all to some cozy corner and chatted all night long! Oh well, that guest's loss for sure. What is that old quote about the most interesting people talk about ideas, not people or things- it sounds like he or she really missed the boat. Have a great weekend! xo, NG
You always put things so well. Yes, I could not agree more! When I am blessed to talk to someone as you describe, I feel exactly like that. Thanks for stopping by with your good insights, as always! xo, NG
Hi M-T, Lol! I'm trying to make myself not like Coke, or any soda, but I'm not having much luck! Thank you for stopping by. Have a happy weekend! xo, NG
... and you made mine :)
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CZ Guest for years was a regular, coming up to Saratoga Springs, NY during the racing season. I remember last seeing CZ at a coaching ball, at the Breakers in Newport, Rhode Island; it was the summer before she died.
Recently (November 2015) my friend (who is a photographer and saw CZ many times in Saratoga) and I went to the Stair Gallery in Hudson, New York to a preview of pieces from her estate that her daughter Cornelia put up for auction. The pieces were mostly garden, tabletop, minor paintings and prints, some furniture, and semi-important jewelry. There were three trunks from the Tempelton stables, that, if a person had the room for, were just beautiful. I think there is a certain extra level of interest in the products if a person had been a friend, or for some reason met CZ while alive.
That day, in another store in Hudson, we came across Susanna Salk's book American Icon and went through every page of it, and remembered seeing a lot of the photographed people during racing. To my surprise, when returning back to the Albany NY area, in a used book store, I found CZ Guest 5 Seasons of Gardening. it was priced at only $6.98 and I quickly bought it. It is a very interesting read, and the way CZ wrote it, I feel she is reading the book directly to me.
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